All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. -- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?


I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.