You Know You're Italian When:

- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.

- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.

- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.

- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.

- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.

- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.

- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.

- You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

- If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.

- There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.

- You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

- At some point in your life, you were a D.J

- 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

- You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.

- Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna.

- You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron.

- You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School.

- Clothes from the Chess King will actually fit you.

- It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets.

- Have been to a funeral where talk of the deceased is, "He shoulda kept his big yap shut."

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Black Man?
A. A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.