A bum comes up to the front door of a
very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner
answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to
eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods
for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you
go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint
brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the
door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The
cook will bring your meal right in."
The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think
you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."
There were these two guys out hiking when
they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth
they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the
bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw
it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something
larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men
carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit
bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their
faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He
asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said
that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man
replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad
tie."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to
have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her,
"Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without
surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation
when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go
in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor,
and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's
easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first
floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All
the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the
friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign
reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do
better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued
on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All
the men here are tall and handsome. They are rich and perfectly built"
The women get all excited and are going
in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what
they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a
sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to
prove that there is no way to please a woman."
There was a cop on his horse waiting to
cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he
said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got
their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to
put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
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