Beer Jokes and Drinking Wisdom II

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says,

"What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

 "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.

Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"

The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

 More Beer and Drinking Wisdom

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.  Homer Simpson

 I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too little.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.  Jean Kerr

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. 

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. W.C. Fields

Wine is bottled poetry. Robert Louis Stevenson

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. W.C. Fields

The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind. H.L. Mencken