|
Beer Jokes and
Drinking Wisdom II
A grasshopper walks
into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender
pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a
drink named after you." To which the grasshopper replies, "You
have a drink named Bob?"
A man walks into a
bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have
a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Out with my wife." The guy says,
"What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A gorilla walks into
a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours
him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks." As the
gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know, we
don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies,
"At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder."
The angry wife met
her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and
lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is
a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six
o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he
replied. "Breakfast."
Three guys are
riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good time. The
driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a
police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous,
"What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the
driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer
bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So they all pull the
labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down
the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no
officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch,
trying to quit."
A guy walks into a
bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the
giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for
me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all
evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy
pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that
lyin' on the floor, are you?"
The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
More
Beer and Drinking Wisdom
Beer is the cause and solution to
all of life's problems. Homer Simpson
I feel sorry for people who
don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as
they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra
Stay busy, get plenty of
exercise, and don't drink too much. Then again, don't drink too
little.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Even though a number of people
have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
Jean Kerr
I envy people who drink - at
least they know what to blame everything on.
I like to keep a bottle of
stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W.C. Fields
Wine is bottled poetry. Robert Louis Stevenson
This is one of the disadvantages
of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having
a good time.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on
nothing but food and water. W.C. Fields
The harsh, useful things of the world, from pulling teeth to
digging potatoes, are best done by men who are as starkly sober
as so many convicts in the death-house, but the lovely and
useless things, the charming and exhilarating things, are best
done by men with, as the phrase is, a few sheets in the wind.
H.L. Mencken
|
